Writer and attorney Nailah Dean on the conversations Muslim women only have in the group chat: the apps, the shame around admitting you're trying, divorce, and building a life that is complete with or without a husband. Stay until the end for an exclusive Araam Mind meditation.
Inspire with Araam · Season 1, Episode 2 · 41 min
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Nailah Dean is a writer and attorney who has kept a blog on love and dating in the Muslim world for years. Her essays on race and rejection in the Muslim marriage market were picked up by Al Jazeera and Insider, and her photo series, The ISMs Project, documents the ageism, racism, sexism, and colorism Muslim women run into while looking for a spouse. She is currently working on her second novel. Hiba invited her on because so many women are either not at the marriage stage yet or have not found the right person, and Nailah has a way of recentering you in your own life instead of around an imaginary husband. This is that conversation.
A year of uncertainty, and a new role
Nailah's year has held changes at work, the slow grind of getting a second novel published (she takes comfort in the fact that Meg Cabot and J.K. Rowling struggled to get their work out too), and something she has not talked about publicly until now: last year she became a part-time foster mom. She was certified by the state of California in spring 2025 and has since done respite care, relieving other foster parents for a week or a weekend at a time, plus one longer placement. She calls it experiencing motherhood without a man, and the ultimate community service work. Giving care and attention to a child going through a hard period, she says, is part of our faith. It is helping the ummah.
She kept it private on purpose. Partly because some things you keep for yourself, and partly because she was scared it would hurt her chances of getting married. Her answer to that fear is one of the best lines in the episode: the right guy, the one who loves children and community service, would not be put off by it. And she is sharing it now because Muslim women in their late forties and fifties who think they have missed the window to have children should know this path exists.
How the writing started
Nailah graduated law school at 24 and within two years knew she wanted to be married. That was 2016 and 2017, when Minder and Muzmatch were brand new, and she was one of the first people using apps to find a halal relationship. She used matchmakers, was deeply involved in the Muslim community in Boston, and still had a hard time. Nobody was talking about it, because talking about it was taboo. Around 2018 the heartbreak turned into writing: bad poetry at first, then essays on the shenanigans on the apps and on fusing Western dating with traditional Islamic courtship as a practicing Muslim American woman.
In 2020 she wrote about her experiences with racism in the Muslim marriage market. Al Jazeera and Insider published it, and it changed how comfortable she felt sharing. The desire to find love is universal. So, unfortunately, is racism. What makes it peculiar in our community is that our faith tells us to love and marry regardless of ethnicity and skin color.
Putting her name on it
For years Nailah kept her writing at arm's length from the rest of her life, because she was embarrassed to be writing about the rejection she was receiving based on her ethnicity. Eventually she decided that was not being true to herself. She wanted full credit for the work, so she put her name on it, and she describes the moment as very freeing. Her message to women has not changed since: expect better for yourself, stand up for yourself, do not let anyone take advantage of you, and know your worth.
What men do when they find the essays
Two extremes. Some get infatuated with the idea of being with a writer who has been recognized in real outlets. Others show their true colors and are put off by anything that smells of feminism or challenging the patriarchy. Which is good, she says, because that is not who she needs to be with anyway. She does try not to mention the writing right away, so a man does not read all of her personal insights before they have even met for coffee. But if someone asks whether it is her, she says yes. Her favorite version was a stranger in a coffee shop who told her he read her Substack, and she turned it into a conversation: how did it make you feel?
The group chat versus the public conversation
Nailah noticed the gap around 2018, when a friend started blogging about dating in her thirties and Nailah was scandalized on her behalf. Then she realized that she and her friends had these exact conversations at Valentine's Day girl parties and dinner parties, and there was no online space for any of it. Writing started as catharsis and became a way of reaching other women, so nobody has to think it is just her. On the shame around the apps: if your core belief, or your parents' belief, is that the best way to meet someone is through friends and family, you will be uncomfortable admitting you met online. Everyone wants a meet cute. But villages look different now, and it is such a common practice that we should be open to it.
Hiba's take: even when everyone is doing it, putting yourself out there is one of those ordinary things that takes real courage.
Islam does not shrink us
Asked what happens when women hide themselves, Nailah goes straight to the women around the Prophet. They were strong, they had voices and opinions, and they did bold things. Our mother Khadija proposed to him. If women think they need to shrink themselves, maybe they just do not know those stories.
The message that made it worth it
After the 2020 essay, Nailah created The ISMs Project, and men who read the article or watched the documentaries started writing to her. One told her he was not saying he was forever changed, but that she had shown him a new perspective, and he would think twice before passing someone over because of her ethnicity. Hearing that, more than once, made her whole month. She wants to change the filters people use when they are looking for real, sustaining love.
"Behind according to who?"
This is the heart of the episode. Nailah gives this advice to herself, because she still lives in uncertainty about remarriage, children of her own, her book, and her career. A friend recently told her she felt like she was missing so many milestones. Nailah's answer: according to who? In Islam, once you reach puberty, prayer and fasting are required of you. There is no other milestone you are obligated to hit. Your life is yours, and you have to get creative to make it special. If a husband never comes, what else can you say you did that you are proud of? You cannot control love. Quoting a Ramadan series by Omar Suleiman, love is a risk, the same way our money is not guaranteed. If you are always waiting for something and it does not come, you will be very disappointed. If it comes and it is not what you wanted, you will feel even worse.
Her divorce was her reality check. She thought marriage was the end all, that she had gotten everything she wanted. The joke, she says, was on her. Hiba adds that this is empowering advice for married women too: no man can swoop in and take charge of your happiness, and once you have the thing you thought would complete you, you are just used to it.
The choice that brought her fulfillment
Fostering, without hesitation. There was fear about what people would say and whether she could do it alone. She has not been alone: friends and coworkers babysit and have donated car seats, clothes, and games. Doing something scary and doing it successfully told her she can do hard things. Her advice for anyone feeling a void is to go do service work. Once you find your thing, it is really fulfilling.
Nailah's mind, body, and soul non-negotiables
Every episode of Inspire with Araam closes with the same question. Nailah's answers:
- Mind: a podcast or lecture that helps her better understand her faith and pushes her to be a better person.
- Body: her Peloton, which she bought right after her divorce to boost the happy endorphins. At least three times a week.
- Soul: pockets of friendship that boost her when she is low and fill the loneliness that being single can bring. Sisterhood is soul nourishing.
Stay until the end
This episode closes with an exclusive Araam Mind meditation, Listen When You're Feeling Stuck, for the moments when the momentum has stopped and the path is blurry: put in the effort, leave the outcome to Allah, and take one small step. Midway through, Hiba also shares why she built a meditation app rooted in her own faith, and how meditation helped her start feeling worthy of the things she wants.
Find Nailah
Instagram: @nailahdean28 · Substack: Nailah's Musings · Website: nailahdean.com
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This episode is sponsored by Araam Mind, Araam's official meditation and mindset app.